Some Jokes.....WARNING.

My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!

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Not half bad. Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? BULLSHIT! I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard!

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What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?

ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!

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A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”

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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after s! he caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the ! front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the! back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

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I sa! w a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

its good to laugh [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I use to go out with a girl named Dawn,

every now and then I close my eyes and I can see the crack of Dawn.